Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm a Free Bitch, Baby

I know I have been quoting Lady Gaga several times now, and honestly, I don't know why. Maybe I'm listening to her music too much, or maybe her songs are playing on the radio too often. Whatever the reason is, several lines in her songs relate to me and the title of this entry is one of them.

Yeah, baby. I'm a free bitch.

I don't know if you look at me and see a sexually hyperactive, liberated person because some of your comments on my Facebook wall seem to suggest that you think that. I hope not. Because I'm not. Wanting to step away from life provincial does not mean that I want nothing else than to fuck my brains out(sorry Mom).

The reason why I am here is simple. If I hadn't left, I would be a broke, unemployed, overweight out-of-school youth who will always envy her friends who have the good fortune of getting their diplomas. I wouldn't have the money to go out with you and I would not have the enough confidence to even look you in the eye. In short, even if I stayed, I will just end up isolating myself from you because I'm different. I am now part of the statistic, and not in a good way. I will be part of the demographic that Manny Villar wants to uplift, rather than a functioning member of society. Leaving Zamboanga was the option I took not because of the promise of bright lights and fancy nightclubs and bars. I left Zamboanga because that was my only chance of redemption. And truthfully, I'm better off. I am able to take care of myself and my family more. I'm proud of that.

But those are decisions I made. I know they're not for everyone and frankly, if you don't NEED to make decisions like mine, don't. I am not the type of person who compares battle scars with other people because while my own scars made me who I am right now, I certainly have no right to tell you you're a lesser person because you took the easier path. Life deals out different cards. This was how my cards were dealt and this was how I played it. If you're proud of the way you played yours, then I'm proud to be your friend.

Bottom line, I don't need you to be like me just so you can be my friend. I don't need your admiration, just your friendship and ultimately your acceptance and respect. Keep the patronizing for yourself. I'm not god. I don't need adoration before you say your intentions.

I like the way things are now. I really am a free bitch. I'm so lucky that I have that freedom. I look at things differently now because I have graduated from that phase of idealistic, I-will-change-the-world frame of mind (sad as that event may be). I have accepted that maybe I can't change the world, after all, but I still can change myself. I still can have FUN. I can do the things I want, stand up for whatever I want and go home to blog about it. But that's ME. That's how I wish to live my life.

Finally, Henry and I have talked about this. Since we have just started to live lives a little bit more complicated and now care more about where to get the rent, the next meal or how to fit that F&H or Zara sale into the budget, we learned to let things be. Let it be, Jollibee. I'm hoping that you'll (you know who you are) do the same thing. And maybe, if the friendship overgrowth is not too great, then we might again sit down and talk over tea and cake, be it here in Manila or in the old city.

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